1. |
01 - Dearly Beloved
02:20
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Dearly beloved we are gathered here today
To pay our final respects and say farewell
To Professor Abraham Van Helsing
A man whom many of us knew but few knew well
Noted scholar, scientist, explorer, philosopher
And later a Vampire Slayer
Born 1843 Rotterdam, Holland
Passed 1931 Surrey, England
Dearly Beloved we are gathered here today
To pay our tribute to a generous man who
Expressed his final wish to bequeath all his property
To the Blood Service probably for all the good that they do
Dearly Beloved we are gathered here today
To say farewell to Professor Abraham Van Helsing
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2. |
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I'm the man
Who canTake you down make no mistake
I'm the one who won't run from your renowned teeth and cape
Thanks but your fangs do not scare me at all
And don't let them tell you otherwise
Otherwise known as a poor little Dutch Boy
The Netherlands' Naivest flop
A Dutch boy, not a butch boy, who's for the chop
I'm a gent
Who's bent
On good and your demise
I'm the male
Who'll impale
You with my wood to your surprise
I assure you your jaws do not scare me at all
And don't let them tell you otherwise
Otherwise known as a poor little Dutch Boy
Underdeveloped unripe
A Dutch boy, not a butch boy, who's got no bite
I bet you stick your fingers into a dike
Cos that's just the sort of things that Dutch boys like
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3. |
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What have we 'ere then?
More murdered women
The Ripper has jumped out and frit her and then slit her throat before she has spoke
What have we 'ere then?
Another poor victim
Jack's past attacks have been brutal and rather inscrutable this leads to usually looking for clues
At the scene of the crime
And who's to say there isn't a telltale sign
But there's nothing this time
Sure, I'm a bobby
But a whore's bloody body...
I'm not one to shirk paperwork but the admin for these murdered birds is absurd
Back on your beat they say
Clean up the streets they say
The Ripper's still running
The Corpses keep coming
And some entail entrails
(I'll spare you the details)
What have we 'ere then?
Another poor victim
And not a bad looker, at least for an 'ooker, but I wouldn't
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4. |
04 - Not About Your Size
02:11
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I may be petit but there are benefits to being small
Being nearer to the gutter I have less far to fall at the end of the night
And this disaster of my stature is no hindrance at all
Because to cast a vast shadow you don't have to be that tall
Because it's not about your size
It's how they remember you
Don't let it get you all that upset whoever forgets you
Me, I'm a giant in the art world and girls want to see
So they queue up for a ticket whenever I exhibit my piece
You needn't be massive, nor attractive and that's fine
You can be passive and quite flaccid 'cos of wine
But you're colossal in the brothel when you're paying for their time
But your impotence and importance are forgotten when the next one arrives
Said it's not about your size
It's how they'll remember you
Maybe you'll find me a little bit tiny but I can be huge too
I'm a giant in the art world and girls will swoon over my sketches
And they'll queue up for a ticket whenever I exhibit my etchings
They'll queue up for a ticket whenever I exhibit my etchings
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5. |
05 - Stand By Your Vamp
02:07
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He's not the man that I married
And he doesn't take me dancing any more
He's not the man that I married
Or romancing on the kitchen floor
He spends his nights nuzzling necks of pretty girls you see
Much younger than little old me
But I'll stand by my vamp
Like a good wife should
I'll raise his offspring
His flesh and blood
He's not the man that I married
But he's the only boy that I'll ever love
He's not the man that I married
And I wish he wouldn't drink so much
And I'm worried 'bout your daddy
And the quantity of A-type blood he does
He spends his nights drinking pints which is an arm-full you see
And he doesn't know the meaning
Of 'drink responsibly'
But I'll stand by my vamp
Like a good wife should
I'll raise his offspring
His flesh and blood
He's not the man that I married
But he's the only boy that I'll ever love
He sleeps all day
And when he wakes he's always hungry
He's pale and frail just like a junky
And then he looks at me as if he wants to have me
And leaves the house and says I drive him batty
But I'll stand by my vamp
Like a good wife should
I'll raise his offspring
His flesh and blood
He's not the man that I married
But he's the only boy that I'll ever love
The only boy that I'll ever love
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6. |
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I'm young but ancient hunger
Brings a need to feed
I desire fresh flesh
Something quite bloody indeed
I hanker after haemoglobin
My palette craves platelets
I need a quick lick of a non-anaemic
Then drain them down my neck
Something to get my teeth into
Milk and sweets are now beneath me
Something to satisfy me
Like on the bone red raw meat
Open up your artery
I thirst for your thick sticky beverage
I know it's in vein
You'll give me your heart
And I'll make you hemorrhage
Something to get my teeth into
Milk and sweets are now beneath me
Something to satisfy me
An urge to gorge on flesh of course
I know that I need to be satisfied
And I long to have your fluids inside me now
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7. |
07 - Unsung Hero
02:36
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No-one really even knew his name
What he did he didn’t do for fame
Cos he’s so private and publicity shy
But he’s our guy when the stakes were high
He’s anonymous
Doesn’t cause a fuss
Could be any one of us
An Unsung hero
We give three cheers so
Hip hip hooray for him
Give a bouquet for him
Raise a Moet to him
Have a flag day for him
Whatever his name is
Commemorate his feats if not his face
Recollect that fact he left no trace
Without exposure this most modest of men
Was an unknown soldier so we’ll say it again
He’s anonymous
To the populous
All hail his humbleness
An Unsung hero
We give three cheers so
Hip hip hooray for him
Raise your beret to him
Have a parade for him
Name a saint’s day for him…
Whatever his name is
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8. |
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As my life stretches out behind me
And I'm reaching the end of the road
I suppose my regrets are inevitable
As my story comes to a close
I’m an old man and the world has forgotten me
And I’m not in the annals or news
Is it ego that craves immortality
My vanity painfully bruised
I’m fading In people’s memories
Like I’m fading in the flesh
This heart is tired, and my will is weak
But I’ve still got an reasonable physique
No one will name children after me
Or adapt my life into a play
Or if they do it’ll be an off-broadway one
With a silly script and sucky songs
I’m fading In people’s memories
Like I’m fading in the flesh
This heart is tired, and my will is weak
But I’ve still got all my own teeth
I want my moment of exposure
My shot at celebrity
I want my bite tonight at the limelight
And a stab at immortality
Not fading In people’s memories
And not fading in the flesh
My heart not tired, and my will not weak
But my heart isn't going to beat
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9. |
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Dearly beloved we are gathered here today
To pay out final respects and say farewell
To professor Abraham Van Han Helsing...
We’re a gang with a plan
And we look out for one another
All it takes is some stakes
So we’re got each other’s backs covered
We have a lark after dark
And we don’t care a lot for summer
Cos night is the right – time- for us
Turn out the light – and chug – some blood
We’re a family
And we’re happily closer than most
Sisters and blood brothers
And we’re bad muthasuckers yeah
We’re a pain in your neck and we expect
You to bleed when we bite ya
We’ve crept in when you slept
And the sight of us tends to excite ya
We’re the dreams where you scream
With delight cos you love it when we frighten ya
Cos night is the right – time- for us
Turn out the light – and chug – some blood
We’re a brethren
We’re all next of kin
Closer than most
Sisters and blood brothers
And we’re bad muthasuckers yeah
Cos night is the right – time- for us
Turn out the light – and chug – some blood
We’re a family
And we’re happily closer than most
Sisters and blood brothers
And we’re bad muthasuckers yeah
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Van Helsing's Music Box Leicester, UK
A silly musical theatre ensemble driven by their insatiable lust for human blood.
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